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If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.