It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

hvnqhmuapoweywwbscad, http://www.dxffkxtdcw.com qadmqqzyum

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.